purplebar


Teaching Our Children to Respect Authority

 - By Robert Andrews

Once parents have captured the hearts of their children through love and discipline to the degree they are ready to accept their instruction, what character qualities should parents attempt to build into them? With no goal, children of parents who have won their hearts will learn, more or less by osmosis, the character of their parents. If the parents have not won their hearts, they will absorb the character of the peer group with which they identify and the leaders whom they admire. Since parenting is not an exact science, and we as parents do nothing perfectly and our children are sinners, both of these options are operative, in varying degrees, in the lives of most children.

Therefore, it is wise for parents to have a goal in mind for the character development of their sons and daughters. Just as it is difficult for a rebellious parent to teach a child not to be rebellious, it is also very hard to inculcate the following character qualities in a child when the parents do not posses them themselves. Learning new tricks if you are an old dog is not easy, but it's not impossible.

At our church we refer to the acronym READ as a basis for our character instruction with our children.

Respect for authority,
Esteem others as better than yourself,
Admit when you are wrong, and
Diligence in all things.

These are all biblical character traits. There are many others that a parent could choose that fit into a family's vision for their children, but we have summarized them in these four. Consider with me the first of these character traits, Respect for authority (Ephesians 6:1-3).

First, whatever command the parent gives, the child must learn to obey. To obey and honor parents, as mentioned in these verses, are the only commands specifically given to children in the Bible. "Obey" addresses external actions, while "honor" speaks to the heart attitude.

One of the fruits of the Reformation in Europe was that the commands in the Bible for children to honor and respect parents were seen to apply to all adults, as indeed the Bible teaches (Leviticus 19:32; Proverbs 16:31). However, many children in today's society are overly familiar with adults, treating them as they would other children their own age. They ignore the command to have a submissive attitude toward their elders (1 Peter 5:5). We must help our children to properly respect elders.

An excellent way to teach this is to insist that children call adults by "Mr." and "Mrs." rather than by first names. This indicates respect, and immediately sets the adult apart from the child's friends. Not understanding the principle involved, many adults will say, "Call me (their first name)." A parent can then explain that using "Mr." and "Mrs." and the last name is being done for the child's sake, to help him to learn to show respect for adults.

To speak to an adult by name ("Hi, Mr. ____") when spoken to, and even to speak first, shows a measure of honor and regard, rather than just the perfunctory, "Hi," with no name attached. Speaking to adults at all is more than some rebellious children can do, and calling adults by name, while looking them straight in the eye, is a mark of respect. Any child whose parents have helped him master all three of these habits--always speak to adults (preferably first), call them by name as Mr. or Mrs., and look them in the eye--will demonstrate the respect for authority that is a vital part of the kingdom of God.

A very common way that a child shows lack of respect for adults is by interrupting adult conversations. This is often done by pulling continuously on Mother's arm while saying, "Mommie, Mommie, Mommie, Mommie, Mommie," repeatedly until Mommie gives the child her undivided attention. The child has demanded priority over the adult with whom her mother was speaking, and in essence has said, "Me first! I'm more important than you are!" The tragedy is that most parents are oblivious to this very prevalent way of showing disrespect to adults, and they will generally acknowledge the child immediately, even doing so when their adult friend is in mid-sentence.

A child who has something to say to parents who are engaged in conversation should be trained to come and stand quietly beside his parent, making sure that his parent sees him. At an appropriate time after the other party has completed a thought, the parent can say, "Excuse me one moment," and turn and acknowledge the child, who has been waiting patiently. After answering the child's question, the adult conversation can be resumed. The child's concern has been addressed, but at the parents discretion, not the child's.

When adults are engaged in conversation in the presence of children (for instance, at dinner), the children should not dominate or dictate the direction of the conversation. The way another generation expressed this thought was, "Children should be seen and not heard." It is not that children should not speak at all, but that they should not think that they have equal status around the dinner table with the adults. Many children, if not taught respect by their parents, will actually dominate the conversation, making it impossible for the parents and guests to have an adult discussion.

Children should be taught to sit quietly and respond enthusiastically when spoken to, or when an adult shows an interest in them or their activities. They should be spirited responders, and not initiators, when adults are present.

This practice of teaching our children respect for authority goes against the flow of our society, whose attitude is reflected by the bumper sticker from the 1970's still occasionally seen--"Question Authority." On the contrary, the Bible says to:

"...be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God. Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgment on themselves" (Romans 13:1,2 NKJV).

This does not mean that children obey all adults; they only have to obey those to whom their parents have delegated that authority, such as teachers, coaches, etc. However, there should be a deference given to adults by children because of their age and experience.

When my daughter Ramah was in high school, she had some difficulty with the concept of respecting the position of authority, whether or not she respected the particular person in that position. One of her teachers was in his first year, just out of college, and only a few years older than the students were. Ramah's class was filled with strong-willed girls, and they literally made life miserable for this young teacher throughout the first semester.

I found out what was occurring sometime early in the second semester, and confronted Ramah. She readily admitted what she had done and agreed to apologize to the teacher. I told her that at the end of the school year I would ask him not only if Ramah had behaved herself in class, but also if she had been a positive blessing to him during the second semester. Did he actually enjoy having Ramah in class; did she literally brighten up his day? If he could not give me an enthusiastic "Yes!", there would be no basketball all summer. Ramah swallowed hard, and changed her behavior.

When I got together with that teacher on the last day of school and asked him the big question, he broke into a grin, and told me that he couldn't believe the change in her, and yes, she had become an unqualified blessing.

Respecting authority is something our children can do. All authority is from God (Romans 13:1). Learning to respect an authority, no matter who the particular authority figure is, is respecting God, and is foundational for our children's future.

The other three character attributes are covered in his book, The Family, God's Weapon for Victory. If you are interested in purchasing a copy, write to Robert@gospelparenting.com.